


Tore Up

by simonsantiago



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: And More Angst, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-31 22:29:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6489853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simonsantiago/pseuds/simonsantiago
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It didn't take long for Simon to mean something to him but that didn't mean it was easy to forget him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tore Up

The three of them were standing in front of him but his eyes stayed on Simon.

He didn't look nervous. He was holding a confidence to him that Raphael hadn't seen until now. And although it made him proud to see the kid standing up for himself it made him sick to his stomach that he would betray his clan like that.

But the clan wasn't _his_ was it? He didn't think he was part of the clan because he didn't want to be part of it. The clan didn't mean as much to Simon as Raphael wished it did. They would always come second, even third, when it came to Simon. The redhead and the pesky Shadowhunters came first to Simon and that became very clear that night.

Raphael didn't come first to Simon and he never would.

"I am very disappointed in you." He said, cocking his head to the side.

Disappointment was an understatement.

He was more than disappointed. He was furious and bitter and _hurt_. He was hurt that Simon would betray him like this. It hurt him that Simon didn't listen to him and put the entire clan in danger. It hurt that Simon was willing to throw away what they had for the redhead. It hurt that even though Raphael stuck by him and helped him with the whole Vampire thing Simon didn't think twice about turning against Raphael. And that's what it felt like, like Simon was turning against him.

He was picking a side and it wasn't the side Raphael was on.

Simon's gaze didn't weaver.

"Simon betrayed us," He said, keeping his eyes on him. "just like Camille did. They deserve the same fate."

This time Simon swallowed thickly and looked away from Raphael's intense glare. He didn't want to say the next words that came out of his mouth but he had no choice. Simon betrayed him and put his entire clan in danger. He was a leader now and he had to protect his people, his _familia_. It didn't matter what Simon meant to him. It didn't matter what they had. Not anymore, not when others were involved. Besides, Raphael had seen many friends, family members, and lovers die. Seeing Simon die wouldn't make a difference. He was just another Vampire, another death. Simon would soon become a distant memory that he wouldn't lose sleep over.

Right?

He would get over it the way he got over the other deaths he'd seen over the decades.

Wouldn't he?

He shook the thoughts out of his head and hissed, "kill them."

He saw Simon's eyes widen in panic and his chest start to heave up and down. Raphael swallowed down the bile that was threatening it's way up. He clenched his fists and jaw and forced his already dead heart to stop hurting. He couldn't let all these emotions cloud his mind now.

Just as they were about to lung, the wall burst open and a stream of sunlight shined through. He immediately stepped back, forcing his clan back as well.

Lightwood was saying something to him but he wasn't paying attention. His focus was only on Simon, who was looking back at him, relieved and just a bit torn. He looked like he was having an internal war with himself but he stayed silent, his eyes locked with Raphael's until the Lightwood girl called out his name. Simon briefly looked at her before looking back at Raphael, frowning and biting on his bottom lip.

"I'm sorry," he mouthed before walking away, away from his clan, away from what could have been his home, and away from Raphael.

He watched Simon's retreating form, an ugly knot curling in the bottom of his stomach and his heart clenching painfully in his chest. It didn't make sense to be hurting this bad. He was _dead_. He shouldn't be feeling any kind of physical pain. His heart shouldn't be making him want to rip it out.

He shouldn't have fallen for the kid.

He shouldn't have let himself become so _weak_.

Now he had to deal with the agony.

~

Raphael was in the study, trying to read but he's been on the same page for the past 2 hours. He was just staring at the words with his mind far away from where it should be. He was thinking about Simon. Again. He couldn't shake the kid from his mind. It's been 3 weeks since Simon betrayed them, since he walked away from Raphael. But he found himself thinking about Simon every minute of every day.

He hated himself for it.

He wished he didn't feel this way. 

Simon was nothing but a pain in the ass. He was so insufferable. All he did was talk and annoy the ever living shit out of him. Raphael had never gotten a headache since he turned until Simon showed up. But he'd never felt warmth the way he did with Simon either.

Raphael _missed_ him. He missed the incessant blabbering. He missed the headaches. He missed the warmth. Ever since Simon left, he's been even colder than usual, and it's been so quiet it made Raphael eerie. There was never silence when Simon was around. Either the TV was always on or Simon was always on and even though Raphael always wished for peace and quiet back then, right now he wished for the noise. He didn't realize how quiet the hotel was and how much he hated the silence until Simon was gone.

But every time he thought of Simon he thought of the way he put Raphael second. He couldn't get it out of his mind that Raphael wasn't important to him the way Simon was important to Raphael. He couldn't stop his stomach from twisting in resentment and his heart from hurting every time he closed his eyes and thought of Simon. He couldn't stop himself from wanting to shred every punching bag to pieces whenever Simon came to his mind.

Wanting to do just that, he stood up to put the book away when a wave of emotions hit him.

Raphael sensed him the second he walked through the hotel doors. He could sense the nervousness and panic and he could smell the fear all the way from the study. The ugly knot in the pit of his stomach was back and it made him feel like shit. He put the book away and stared at nothing. He thought about this moment since Simon first walked away. He thought about what Simon would say and how he would respond. He knew everything he was going to say and he knew how he was going to say them but now that Simon was here, his mind was completely blank and he didn't want to go down. He was too nervous himself.

He figured Simon would come back eventually and he thought he prepared himself well for it but it was obvious he didn't.

He laughed bitterly. He couldn't remember the last time he was this nervous over some _idiota_.

He also couldn't believe he was being so childish but instead of handling it like an adult he decided to be petty and made Simon wait a good 10 minutes before going down.

He took a deep breath and walked through the doors to the living room. Simon was sitting on the couch and he didn't look very good. Actually, he looked like shit. His hair was all over the place and he looked even more paler than normal. It was obvious he wasn't feeding and it made Raphael's dead heart tear in two as if it were alive.

Raphael coughed, letting the kid know he was there. Simon's head snapped up. They looked at each other, Raphael's eyes full of anger and Simon's, pleading.

"Can I help you?" Raphael asked, hoping his voice didn't sound as shaky as it did to his own ears.

"I'm so sorry, Raph, please—"

"You," Raphael spat out, cold and hard, "gave up the right to call me Raph."

Simon bit his lip and strained his eyes on the marble floor.

"Will you ever forgive me?" He asked in a small voice.

It broke Raphael.

He wanted to reach out and take Simon into his arms and tell him that he did forgive him and that everything was going to be okay. They were going to be okay because god knows he wanted to forgive the kid but he couldn't. He couldn't bring Simon back into their lives after what he'd done.

Loyalty, honour, and respect were the three things Raphael believed in the most and Simon didn't show any of that towards them. He only showed it to the Shadowhunters. Simon made it clear the Vampires didn't mean anything to him and Raphael wasn't going to let him think they cared about him even though he did. He cared _so much_. He hadn't cared this much about anyone since he was human but his feelings towards the kid didn't matter when Camille was still on the loose because of him. Their lives were more important than Raphael's childish little crush.

"No, I will never forgive you." He answered.

Simon looked at him and Raphael could have sworn he saw tears pooling around the kid's eyes but they disappeared as soon as they appeared.

"What am I supposed to do? I don't know anything about being a Vampire."

Raphael shrugged. "You should have thought about that before you set Camille free."

"I said I was sorry. Raphael, please."

"You're not my problem anymore." Raphael said in the most callous tone he could muster.

"Raphael…"

"It's over, Lewis. You need to leave."

Simon started to say something but thought better of it and shut his mouth. He pursed his lips and nodded before walking away from Raphael for the second time.

Once he left Raphael took a deep breath and sat down before his legs gave out.

Everything he wanted to say to Simon, he didn't. He didn't say how it felt to have Simon betray him. He didn't express his feelings for the kid and he definitely didn't try to explain why he couldn't have him back at the hotel and in their lives. He didn't say any of the important things but he was afraid that if he did Simon would somehow weasel his way back into their lives. He knew Simon would have talked him into letting him back in. He had that kind of power over Raphael and maybe that's why it hurt so much. Raphael let himself be vulnerable to Simon and this was his consequence. 

It didn't take long for Simon to mean something to him but that didn't mean it was easy to forget him.

It wasn't.

But he was going to survive.

He always did.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry there was no happy ending?


End file.
